"I got my family to feed:" The Idiocy of Athletic Super Stardom

Let me tell you something about Lebron James: he's not a very smart dude. Last night, the Cavs beat the Heatles 102-90 at the Quicken Loans Arena. This was catharsis. This was what my friend's dad would call "high art." Vengeance is a dish best served cold.

I would like to suggest that Lebron James is the modern equivalent of Wilt Chamberlain: hypertalent, hyperathletic, he's got a nose for the basket and he's ridiculously strong. Yet there's an element to his personality that just screams immaturity. The guy's so talented that he literally cannot appreciate the value of competitiveness. As far as I can tell, he doesn't even know the meaning of the word. Kobe's competitive. Jordan was competitive. Bird was competitive. Russell was competitive. James is just obnoxious. Sure he creates baskets out of nothing. Sure he can blow your mind with his crazy moves. He's impressive. That's all. There's no art to Lebron James. If Kobe Bryant is Ernest Hemingway, Lebron James is, like, Stephen King. He's a great storyteller. Yet he "says nothing to me about my life." "Hang LBJ."

"Panic" - The Smiths


Basketball is a game, not just a sport. It's about strategic movements through space in time. Athleticism is one component, however integral to sports, yet there's no greatness in athleticism alone. Bird was a cocky shit. Reggie was a cocky shit. Not particularly athletic guys. Yet these were artists. They maneuvered space in superb ways. They lived for "winning time." Their will to win puts them on a higher plain. What about John Stockton or Steve Nash? These guys are incredible players. They theorize the win and then they find a way to make it reality. They didn't win any championships, but you know who has a championship ring? D.J. Mbenga, Sasha Vujacic, Kenny Smith, blah, blah, blah.

Man:



Boy:



This is one of my biggest frustrations with Vince Carter. Here's a guy who has unbelievable talent. Him and T-Mac. Those are some outrageous basketball genes. He's got the hands of a giant gecko, the strength of a golem, quickness, too. Yet this guy literally cannot take the game seriously. He simply got by on the wow factor until his knees said sayonara. He owns a restaurant out in Daytona that looks like a gentleman's club. He acts like the owner of a gentleman's club. Guarantee he becomes a commentator. What a wasted talent.

Which brings me to the supreme idiocy of one Latrell Sprewell. I don't know much about this guy. Except that he choked a dude and then quit the NBA when he plenty of time yet to compete. He quit out of arrogance. The guy had a temper problem and he let it define him. It's just like that one dude who was QB for the Chargers and would just go berserk. What a waster. At least Phil Rivers is a legitimate competitor. There's fire underneath the smoke. Not always the case.


"I got my family to feed!"

No More Mister Nice Guy

It has come to my attention that the sports world has lost all sense of entertainment, and is instead focused on a single product. Winning. Before it is asked, this will not be a commentary on the recent ramblings of a potentially insane star, despite the fact that he is winning. It's not as though I am above the idea of memes or the phenomenon of viral media, but there's a point where I draw the line at what is a humorous deviation from the norm and what is a planned attempt at attention grabbing.

Follow this link for the video, as it has no longer become available on YouTube.

When something like this is created, I want you to look me in the eye and tell me it isn't staged.


Regardless of all of that, I said this wouldn't be a commentary on Charlie Sheen. It is instead a discussion on the idea that sports in general have siphoned the entertainment from the game, to the point of win or get out. Professional sports aren't the only culprits to this claim, as many collegiate level teams are imbued with the idea of "what have you done for me lately?"

Recent names to be fired or "resign" are:
Steve Roberts - Arkansas State (34-47)
Stan Parrish - Ball State (6-19)
Dan Hawkins - Colorado (19-39)
Bill Lynch - Indiana (6-26)
Doug Martin - Kent State (28-53)
Rickey Bustle - Louisiana-Lafayette (41-65)
Ralph Friedgen - Maryland (75-50)*
Randy Shannon - Miami (28-22)*
Rich Rodriguez - Michigan (15-22)
Tim Brewster - Minnesota (15-30)
Todd Dodge - North Texas (6-37)
Dave Wannstedt - Pittsburgh (42-31)*

* - Indicates expectation versus performance

There's a trend here, even in collegiate sports. The NFL saw to oust five head coaches, and the NBA has already cut ties with Jim O'Brien of the Indiana Pacers. What's the point to all of this? After all, it's not exactly a new mentality. The point is that these behaviors are easier to focus on when there's a lack of entertainment.

It's an era of control for all major sports. Rule changes and regulations prohibit celebration almost entirely in the NFL. No more will we have this wondrous sack celebration. Without a yellow handkerchief that is.

It isn't just the officials and the bigwigs that determine the level of fun to be had in sports. Fault lies with avid and casual fans as well. If I were to say to you, "There's this dude on your team that's bad-ass! He isn't really intense enough though. He needs to play with more of a cutthroat attitude." Isn't that a little contradictory? This exact conversation has been tossed around about a particular player. A player that those contributing to this blog all find amazing.

In fact, the article in this SI is indicative of this argument.

"But to spend a day with Howard -- hell, to spend 10 minutes with him -- is to realize that despite his imposing stature and freakish athleticism, he may be among the least badass big men in NBA history. For starters, he has this unfortunate habit of smiling all the time, even when he's dunking on someone. Clearly, this violates one of the cardinal rules of intimidating big men, namely Thou Shalt Posture and Grimace Upon Vanquishing Thy Foes. This means you have three choices: flexing concrete biceps (like Alonzo Mourning), grasping your crotch with authority (à la Shawn Kemp) or letting loose a banshee scream (see Kevin Garnett). Smiling, however, is not an option."

Read more: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/writers/chris_ballard/04/16/dwight.howard/index.html#ixzz1GbBGEQ00

Why can't one of the more entertaining, fun-loving, and dominating players in the game remain as such? Why must he change his mentality to fit that of the intense player? Characters aren't welcome in sports anymore. Every moment of Chad Ochocinco's career is scrutinized to determine whether it is worth a fine. Dwight Howard can't smile while he runs up the court, it doesn't show toughness or leadership. The first entry under Game is, "1. an amusement or pastime." We don't play games anymore. We work in sports. Again, it's not necessarily a new idea, but it's something that is more common than ever.

Basketball is bringing in young players with the penchant for theatrics. It will be upsetting if Blake Griffin begins dunking purely to instill fear. What if John Wall never does the Dougie, and instead pisses and moans if anyone showboats? What a league it would be.

Besides, one of the more entertaining films on sports is Major League. A story about a bunch of fun characters who band together and do something promising. It's only until Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn becomes businesslike in Major League 2 that the team and film start suffering. Suddenly this became about Charlie Sheen again...Son of a bitch, Charlie Sheen.

-La Maison "Mateo"

Teach Me How to Dougie

Cali Swag District: "Teach Me How to Dougie":



I live under a rock, mostly. So when I tell you I've only just caught dougie fever you'll understand that it's because my time is generally absorbed pondering Ernest Hemingway's bizarre masochistic fantasies, asking myself was Shakespeare gay? figuring out how best to approach teaching writing to college freshman, and tragically tending my doomed fantasy basketball team (there's nothing like JR smith erupting for 31 bones after you're already eliminated from the playoffs).

But I was talking about "dougie fever." Unlike "Bieber fever," it concerns a dance move, making it less warped and pederastic. The reason I'm writing a post about the dougie is because when I saw John Wall start doing it at the beginning of a Wizards game I realized I haven't been this interested in someone dancing since:

a) Watching Michael Jackson dance for the first time
b) Watching Ian Curtis dance for the first time
c) Watching Shomik get down at reggae and ska shows

Anyway, with Wall doing the Dougie and Brandon Jennings sporting first a fade and then the illustrious "gumby," I'm left wondering whether or not hip-hop culture, which first entered the league in the '80s (correct me if I'm wrong) and reached its zenith with Allen Iverson showing up to games "with a little bit o' gold and a pager," isn't getting back to its more care-free roots. We've seen the return of skinny jeans and stunner shades. Did Kanye bring back '80s cool? It's a genius move, really. If you aren't fly by today's standards, bring back yesterday's and make it tomorrow's.

Check out Brandon sporting a high-ass fade right here:



And now the illustrious gumby:



DOPE, right? But I was talking about "dougie fever." I watched John Wall do it, duly noting that dude can get down! So I decided to snoop around the net and uncover its origins and iterations.

Cali Swag District released their song, "Teach Me How to Dougie," on April 12, 2010. The kids in Cali Swag District, who hail from Inglewood, CA (hometown of greasy bastard Paul Pierce), wrote the song after a friend of theirs came home from college in Texas and was all, "Friends, do you know about the newest dance sensation that's sweeping the nation?"

So they wrote the song, signed to Capitol, and made an instructional video for Billboard. According to the WIKI OVERMIND: "The 'Dougie' involves 'casual shoulder leans and elbow twists,' compared to snap dancing. A version of the dance originally started in Dallas, as a song called the 'D-Town Boogie,' which the group [Cali Swag] references in the song." HOWEVER: it should be noted that the name "dougie" comes from rapper Doug E. Fresh. But more on the Get Fresh Crew in posts to come.

If you don't know what snap dancing is, I can't really tell you (because I don't know myself). I do know that it accompanies snap music, which also has southern origins (Bankhead, West Atlanta). The most famous example is probably Soulja Boy's "Crank That (Soulja Boy)." Superman that ho! etc. The OVERMIND says that 2007 was the year snap was at its most, uh, snappy. Fun fact: T-Pain (str8 outta FLA!) has a song called "Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin').

Here's some guy doing a FRESH "D-Town Boogie": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZGqGAwPceQ:



His moves are kinda similar to Wall's:



My favorite move of his is the "flag wave" about seven seconds in. GENIUS.

Personally, I'm a big fan of this 2008 track by Lil Wil "My Dougie"

Here's Skip Bayless doin' it:



So maybe hip-hop's fun again? Maybe it always has been. I was never a fan of all that murder rap shit that was hot throughout the '90s and early '00s. Unless we're talking about "Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangsta," which I've always considered a Monty Python version of gangsta rap anyway. Why do so many rappers want to talk about people dying? Fuck verisimilitude! Teach me how to dougie!

-ST Sinclair

Googly-Eyed Assassin: Pat Garrity in the '99-'00 Season

Pat Garrity had an unbelievable year during the Magic's '99-'00 campaign. Playing in all 82 regular season games, the googly-eyed assassin averaged a gentlemanly 8.2 points and 2.6 rebounds in just 18 minutes off the bench. It was a season to end all seasons, as the Redheaded Reaper dropped a phantasmagoric 32 on an unsuspecting Milwaukee Bucks team. To this day, he is known as "The Ginger Who Showeth No Mercy" in the woods of Wisconsin.

One of the Magic's most clutch performers, Garrity also hit BINGO-esque game winners in 3 separate contests. The most memorable of these came with the "Terrible Triple" that put the Vancouver Grizzlies to bed on a fateful night in January of 2000. The team would skip town just one year later. Coincidence? I think not.

Garrity is now a broadcaster on SunSports, where he delivers gentlemanly commentary during Magic games. He is the subject of a regular segment known as "Pat's Points," in which he makes a suggestion about what the team should do in order to win. Such points have included "Pick up the Tempo" (7 March 2011).

Let's watch below as he schools Samuel Dalembert with a MEGADUNK:



AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! How ma a$$ tastes Dalembert???? Tell me how ma a$$ taste!! And this dude averaged a 3.7 GPA at Notre Dame!!! AAAHHHHH!!!!! You got schooled by a NERD!!! AHHHH.

Needless to say, Patrick Joseph Garrity is a BAD, BAD man.

-ST Sinclair